Unrequited Love Hurts

Anyone who has ever experienced unrequited love knows how much it hurts. I think it’s really one of the most painful experiences a human being can go through, maybe with the exception of a parent losing a child. Life turns into a living hell when you love somebody that just isn’t in love with you. Unrequited love this to be the different from feeling heartbroken. It’s much more than being heartbroken.

When you’re heartbroken then you probably have a crush on somebody or you feel affection, or are in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. It’s painful, that you will get over it.

But unrequited love is really a much more intense and much more painful state to be in. It’s about having found a partner of your dreams, the person that you want to share your life with, person that you feel fate has brought into your life, the perfect match for you — but the other person not being able to recognize that.

And that can make everything else fade grey. Everything else doesn’t matter anymore, because the only thing that truly matters is that one very special person. You are made for each other.

If you experienced unrequited love, many people will not understand it. They will think that you’re heartbroken. But they don’t understand how much more intense unrequited love really is. And to most people that would be frustrating. But to you, even that doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters. Because the one thing that can make everything else matter isn’t there. The love of your perfect match.

If you’re reading this and you can relate to it, if it kind of resonates with you, then please do not believe your own thoughts when you think that it’s hopeless. Yes, it probably is not worth hoping for that that person will somehow fall some reason finally fall in love with you. But your life and your happiness is not hopeless. You can find your way back to happiness, and you can fall in love again. And I know maybe you don’t believe me now, maybe you think you can never fall in love like that again. And that’s true if you stay attached to that love, if you keep on clinging to that love. But if you find a way to let go of it, then you will be able and open to receive new love, to experience it. I understand that this probably sounds unbelievable to you. And this probably sounds that I do not really understand your situation.

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And maybe that is true. After all, I have never met you and I have never talked with you in person. But if you can relate to the feelings that I have described before, if you feel that your life is hopeless and empty and meaningless because the one thing that matters isn’t there, then I think I do understand you. Because I’ve been there. I know from my own bitter experience with unrequited love feels like and how painful it can really be. It brought me to the verge of suicide. I was really ready to go. And until this day I am not sure what saved me. But something did save me, and I did found my way back to happiness, and I did find new love, true love again. But this time it’s a share love, it’s a happy relationship, I found my partner in life. I believe that you can do the same.

Maybe you feel like you in that person are made for each other, maybe you feel it’s fate. Till this day I still believe that my love for the person who did not reciprocitate my love was fate. Because if it hadn’t been for that love, and the pain and suffering caused me, and the transformative process that it led to, I would probably never have found my true partner in life.

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Kaled May 14, 2010 at 4:29 am

I really need some advice how to cope with this unrequited love situation.

Thanks a lot.

Cecilia H. May 18, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Thank you very much for this website! I just could not help leaving a comment here, because your article resonates with me so much and it just makes me cry. Even though they say unrequited love itself is so common, I think it is rare to find a website that really resonates with people who are actually suffering from the agony. I have been to many websites about unrequieted love, but most of them simply give some insensitive and useless messages like “unrequited love cannot be real love, so do not waste your precious time on it,” the kind of advice which just increases the agony even more. So I am very grateful to you for creating this website. I have been suffering from unrequited love for my best male friend for the past two years. I have distanced myself from him for months now, but from time to time (especially at night) I find myself still haunted by the humiliating memory and often fall asleep in bitter tears. My head tells me what to do but simply my heart is very very slow to learn. Anyway, I just wanted to say that your website is very helpful for someone like me who is just trying to get over the agony. Thanks!

Friend June 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Hi Cecilia,

thanks so much for your message. I am glad that it helped you. I feel for you, if you have read here on my site you know that I have been through this, and I wish that you will get through this too from my heart.

Friend June 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Hi Kaled,

did you find some help on my website? Otherwise, send me an email, I went through this myself and I know what it’s like.

Mark January 4, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Thanks so much for this website. I am currently experiencing a painful, devastating experience of unrequitted love and I find comfort reading these passages and knowing that someone else undertands what I am going through . Sometimes, it’s difficult to breathe, but I haven’t given up on life, at least not yet . I am considering therapy soon to help me cope with this terrible , horrible situation.

Friend January 5, 2011 at 7:06 am

Hi Mark,
thanks for sharing your comment here. I know that sometimes it feels like your heart being pushed through a meat grinder, and you feel like you can’t take it anymore. I think it’s a good idea to find a therapist to help pull you out of this misery. Also, if you haven’t found a therapist yet and feel it’s too much, it’s better to talk to someone now instead of waiting for finding the right therapist someday. You can call 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK to talk with people in an emergency and then find a therapist. Hope this helps,

suzie January 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

Unrequited love is completely undesirable but you have to accept the fact that the other person does not have the same feelings about you. It is imperative that you stay positive. Don’t let the condition produce bitter feelings inside you. You should not lose hope of finding somebody who actually loves you.

Steven March 6, 2011 at 12:31 pm

i appreciate the website and all you do. i have loved the same girl for 10 years now…. it has become impossible to overcome… i think about her constantly…. we date briefly a while back and it has been off and on and have kept in touch and she considered getting a teaching job in Auburn, AL… that’s where i live… i lover her more than anything, but have resorted to meaningless sex with strangers and endless heartache…. can you help me?

Amit April 17, 2011 at 7:40 am

Thanks for being someone who did duel so long in this state and tried to understand it. Its really is very hard to feel ever happy again. There is an initial phase like you feel heartbroken and all is doomed. You feel nothing nothing will ever be right if that person does not come back in your life. I loved a girl. I did. Many people now say that i did not and I am egoistic and shallow and probably thats why she left me. But I know that if I was ready to happy and unconsciously do anything for her and never regret anything bad, then it was something good. Somehow I came through that phase in which I just wanted her back anyhow. I told her that I will change…whatever let this happen I will solve all problems. But she did not sway. She just said she cant feel for me anymore. I had been with her for four years. I got out of that phase. I understand after reading your words why people wont understand it as love or why they cant help me mend my heart. I still am at odds with others over this but somehow left confused every night that why…why… It does hurt like a big vacuum deep inside. Thank you for being so kind and posting here and its great that i somehow found it.

Friend April 18, 2011 at 1:44 am

Hi Amit,
thank you for sharing your story here. I understand it must be hard if you already were in a relationship with the right girl, acted the wrong way and lost her because of that. I can’t tell you what’s the right thing – sometimes you can get her back, but sometimes it’s really like a broken glass that can’t be repaired. The most important thing now is that you can fill that vacuum inside again with happiness, and then share that happiness with somebody. Maybe it will be the same girl, maybe it will be someone who is even better for you. And maybe that experience make you a better man too, even though it’s so painful.

Brandi August 11, 2011 at 11:42 am

Great website. I myself, am not an unrequited love victim, but know a male who is because of me. I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him but it’s not like I want him to suffer either. It’s rather frustrating knowing that he could be happy if he just realized that I am not the person he is making me out to be. I try my best not to fuel the situation but I don’t want to do anything to hurt his feelings either. Seems like no matter what I do, it affects him alot. I have to be so careful when it comes to him. These articles gave me alot of insight to such an experience. Very helpful.

Tim August 11, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Hi Brandi,
thanks for the comment, I am glad you found something helpful here. I know it is difficult to be on the receiving end of unrequited love too. I recently wrote to another woman in a situation similar to yours too: http://unrequitedlovehelp.com/my-unrequited-love-suicide-experience#comment-380 maybe you find something there.

Jean August 12, 2011 at 2:02 am

I am glad I find your blog. From your writings I can tell I finally find someone who understand what I am going through right now. I just hope I can use your advice to get myself out of the black hole I am in right now.

Tim from Unrequited Love Help August 12, 2011 at 6:33 am

Hi Jean,
thanks for your comment. I know how hard it is. Hope you have someone to talk to – maybe that person can’t understand it, but if they can at least listen, that sometimes helps a bit.

Tony September 19, 2011 at 6:55 am

I’m still in love with the girl of my dreams. It hurts so bad, the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I will always love her. To this day I would still give up everything just to feel her embrace again. She knows how I feel and that I would do anything for her. I was always there for her as she was for me. I would die for her. But should could never see me in that light. I know I’m missing out on life but i can’t go a single day without feeling for her. She will always be my angel…

Tim from Unrequited Love Help September 20, 2011 at 4:32 am

Hi Tony,
thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you have to deal with all this. You say it’s the worst pain you’ve always experienced. You know what they say about pain right? The time heals all wounds. I don’t think this is good advice, because, yes, eventually we pass and there’s nothing left from us, including pain. But time can heal all wounds if you work at taking care of yourself. If she knows how you feel for her, and she still doesn’t want it, then try to take care of yourself just a tenth as good as you want to take care of her – and do it for her.
And you don’t have to stop loving her. Love is a wonderful thing – try to transform your love for her into a love that empowers yourself.
You’re capable of loving – there are so many people in this world who have shut themselves down to it. Maybe you feel like you want to do just switch of that feeling so that the pain stops too sometimes – but please believe me that you have the power to transform your love you feel for her into a positive source of power and joy in your life, and in the life of others.
You say she will always be your angel – and that’s beautiful. I have an angel like that too. And it can be an angel that inspires you to be a better man and live a good life.
I know none of this can help you to get this behind you right now. But I hope it can spark an idea in your mind that helps you to feel a little better, and step by step find a way back to happiness.
My best wishes go out to you,

Fallen Star October 21, 2011 at 4:38 am

I just did a search and found this site. It looks like no one has posted in awhile but I am going to thank you anyway for this light of hope. I have been suffering from unrequited love for almost three years. I divorced, which though I had planned to anyway before I met this man, I hoped with all my heart that he would fall in love with me. So he did give me the strenth to leave. But that he has never fallen for me and has told me outright he will never have a romantic relationship with me. I have gone from elation, to delusion, to depression and back to hope, over and over again. I talk to him twice a week, but no he is having an online flirtation right in front of me on a website and it is tearing me apart. My stomach hurts, my heart hurts…I want to stay away, but if feels like a slow car crash…you want to look away but can’t. I have tried over and over to delete all his information for contact. only to go back again. It is only this foolish and painful hope that keeps me there. Thank you so much for your site and healing words of comfort.

Tim from Unrequited Love Help October 22, 2011 at 11:39 am

Hi Fallen Star,
thank you for your words of thanks, it means a lot to me that this site provides a bit of comfort to you, and thank you for sharing your story too.
If things weren’t working out in your marriage, if the love was gone and you couldn’t make it work, then leaving was the right choice. And it’s good that this love helped you to make that difficult step.
I don’t know what to recommend you – you already see that your hope is in vain, but keep going back to it again and again. I know that cycle too, have made a few more rounds than I care to remember myself.
But taking a lot of small steps is something that can really help.
I made the mistake of hoping to get over it, and kind of “waiting” for it to pass (even though not wanting let go of it), and this paradox and undefined chaos of wishes and hopes didn’t help. But then I established routines of writing about it daily, making exercises, listening the the hypnosis download about unrequited love, talking with people about it, and over time things got better. The important thing is not to stop doing these things when it seems like it’s over – because it can still come back and hit you again with full force if you stop doing it. Think of it as a kind of training program – if you stop doing it, you gain weight again. But this one is a training program not for your body, but for your heart.
Finally, I wish you the best and that you have the strength and wisdom to get over this unrequited love and live a happy life again.

sonu January 20, 2012 at 9:38 pm

every word that everybody said is true. i cant breathe. i cant sleep. i cant eat. it hurts like hell. I might or might not recover from this but i know for sure i will not be the same. a part of me will be dead.

Tim from Unrequited Love Help January 21, 2012 at 2:00 am

Hi Sonu,
thank you for sharing. Yes, it’s true. Even though I am in a happy relationship now, my unrequited love experience has changed me forever, and I’ve lost something. I also found something later that I cherished and let grow, and it’s kind of a cycle of emotional life and death and new life and death again and new life and so on.
But where you are at right now, take it one step at a time. You have to learn to smile again. You have to learn to see the beauty in the world around you again. You have to re-learn to find joy in the little things of life again. And many times you’ll reach a point where you feel you don’t have the strength to do that.
But somewhere inside the darkness of your misery, there hides a power that will emerge when you least expect it.
You will come out of this a different person, but don’t shut your heart down, and you’ll be a lot wiser, and able to find your way back to happiness again.
Sending you strength for your brave spirit,

Realization March 3, 2012 at 10:20 pm

A little over a year ago I met her – we became close friends and it wasnt until 6 months ago I realized that it was so much more than friendship. It was more than infatuation or a “crush”. She touched a part of my heart that had never been reached by anyone before. I wasnt looking for it, it just happend. We’ve talked about it, and she knows how intense the feelings are with me. But she doesnt feel that spark in return. I’d hoped that “romancing” her would open her eyes and she could see that if she wanted a “nice guy” that she already had one. For the last several weeks, any romantic type contact is unresponded to and only innocent/platonic emails/texts are sent. I can tell shes pulling away. I dont want to lose her as a friend, but i fear that if i continue to love her that i will. I cant bear the thought of finding the woman of my dreams, someone i want to spend my life with and watch helplessly as she drifts away. I know in my mind that i need to let go of that dream, but my heart is stubborn. Im going to sit down with her this week, share some wine and tell her exactly what i feel – the good and the bad. The reason i fell in love with her is that I can tell her exactly that and know that she’ll be there to help me – even if it means getting over her.

Tim from Unrequited Love Help March 4, 2012 at 1:48 am

Hi Realization,
thank you for sharing this. Yes, I can understand why you fell in love with her, she sounds like an amazing woman. But sometimes two people just aren’t the right match – it’s tough to face that, but the sooner the better. I
I hope that your talk with her will go well, and you’ll find a way to get over her. The longer you go through this emotional turmoil, the more bad it does to your psyche.
But the good thing is that you’ve demonstrated that you have good “selection criteria”. I know this sounds like a terrible clinic term, but so many people always choose a spouse who is bad for them, I’ve seen it a thousand times and each time it continues to boggle my mind why they do it. You on the other hand are looking for a partner with whom you can build a better future together, and I sincerely wish that this was the last time in your life you’ll have to experience unrequited love – and that you’ll find the girl woman soon and be able to enjoy a happy, fulfilling and productive relationship.
Best wishes to you,

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